Thank God I Can't Go Back

For the last few weeks I have been listening to Christian music from people such as Michael Card, Twila Paris, Michael W. Smith, and Petra. I could call it my college soundtrack. I loved this music and listened to it all the time.

The songs are all about a simple faith that never has doubts or questions. They were what I needed when faith was easy, when I didn't have questions.

I was raised American Baptist. I was a Bible thumper and tried to convince others that being an American Baptist Christian was the only way to heaven.

Going away to a Christian College was truly the turning point in my spiritual life. It was there I learned to doubt and question.

The first thing I learned to doubt was the idea that only American Baptists can be Christian. I became friends with people from many different denominations and chapel services were done in a variety of worship styles.

My first taste of an Episcopalian service came through my Freshman Seminar class. One of the assignments for class was to visit a church of a denomination different from our own. None of the students in the class was Episcopalian. In order to allow us to have a similar experience to discuss, the instructor brought us all to his Episcopal parish.

From that first taste of  the Episcopalian liturgy, I was hooked. I realized that church and worship can take a lot of forms and one way of worship is no better or worse than another. The idea that American Baptist worship is the only true worship fell.

The next thing I questioned was the idea that God can't love gay people. Coming out at a Christian college wasn't easy, but I survived. When I got to the depth of depression because I thought no one could love me, God was there holding my hand. When my father asked me to move out when he discovered I was gay, God opened a door for me at the Cathedral of Hope in Dallas, Texas.

At the Cathedral of Hope, a large progressive Christian church, I learned to put my faith and sexuality back together. I learned to celebrate who I was as a beloved child of God who just happened to be gay.

Being married to an atheist and having worked for Unitarian Universalists has helped me realize that no one faith works for everyone. I feel free to tell people about my faith, but am content to let them figure out their own spiritual journey. My Bible thumping days are over.

Faith isn't meant to be simple. Faith shouldn't be given to us, we need to discover and nurture it. When I was young faith was as simple as the songs I have been listening to because I was living a faith someone else gave me. Questioning, doubting, and at times contemplating giving up on God has strengthened my faith. All of this made me look inside myself to figure out what I truly believe. The fire of the Spirit and the difficulties of life have helped to refine a faith I was given and blindly following into a faith that gives meaning to my life..

Part of the Episcopal Church's draw for me is the idea that our brains are useful for more than just keeping our bodies alive. We are encouraged to bring our doubts, our questions, and even our anger towards God into the open and study them.

For some, this study will lead deeper into faith. Others will be led away from faith and leave the church. But whether one stays or leaves a church or faith tradition, the important thing is that they must do it on their own terms. Doubts and questions are good things and should be addressed.

Listening to this music and looking back, part of me yearns for life and faith to be easy again. An easy life would be nice, but it wouldn't be the life I was born to lead. I have seen valleys of despair and mountain peaks of joy. The journey has made me a stronger and more faithful person.

Thank God I have grown and thank God that I can't go back.

© 2009 Corey Spence